However soon after he got an internship in the country we live and now when I brought it up he said he doesnt know when he wants to get married or even engaged and that 'it feels like an old person thing to do'. My boyfriend and I has been together for a year and 4 months he has literally never taking me on a date or done anything with me at first he seemed all into me and now as the time goes by its like he doesn’t want anything to do with me ….. My boyfriend was … I cant say itll work, but wording and not attacking is very important. I have brought it up a few times but it feels a little weird to always be the one bringing it up since it seems like something we should both be excited about, not something I should have to convince him of. He wasnt when we first started dating and that created a lot of issues for us. By that I mean, say to him ONE time: Your passivity will not work for us long term. I did tell him how I feel-he says he wants to get married at some point but he does not know when that will be. I'm always the one suggesting things to do. I have brought up this concern to him a few times now but I am not sure it's getting through to him. Live in the same place? Small steps. I do know that he has always been a soft spoken person and even as a child he had some communication issues that his parents were concerned enough about to hire someone to help him talk more. In the wise words of my mom, edited for the kids, poop or get off the pot. He does want to get married at some point. I used to be patient but recently I’ve been having anger issues and he knows how to handle my mood accordingly. Honestly, you sound exhausting. Wow I am just rambling here, I hope I was somewhat coherent. But like I said our relationship has been almost perfect otherwise so I really want to figure this out and not leave at the first hint of a conflict. He wont say he doesnt want to get engaged or married ever but he wont even tell me when he thinks he would be ready. We live in the middle of nowhere (I moved here after a difficult job hunt, this was the only place I got an offer, and he moved here with me and got a job working remotely to make it work) and we complain about it to each other every day (nothing to do, lack of ethnic food, polar opposite political views as the locals, etc). My friend is going through something similar. I rolled my eyes, thinking yeah, it’s obvious…he’s just not that into you. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. In the last couple of years he does seem to be more committed though I never feel like I am his priority- there's always something or someone more important. I would simply make a note to yourself to reestablish your expectations the next time a holiday comes around. 7 years long distance. He's saying he will get married because it's what she wants to hear, but if he wanted to marry her, he would have. And I've said to her once, at my wit's end after hearing her complain about it for the millionth time, "This is … If someone isn't running to marry you, it's a problem. When we try to make future plans, whether we want to plan a vacation or talk about moving in together, we don't want to hear from our boyfriend, "That's too far away." It will hurt so much, but you can be with someone wanting the same as you. It's kind of funny, my college boyfriend had this exact issue as well, although he was also an asshole to me to boot. They just don’t know what to talk … You could have a conversation without being overwheming, by first pointing out (dont say flaws to him) tell him you understand that there are differences you are noticing between the two of you and its causing you both a deal of aggravation. If you want to marry him then show it. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. I think the only thing you're off about is thinking that...having brought this up...that it is actually going to change anything and get you out of that town of yours. My current bf is the sweetest guy in the world and I feel like his version of this problem is coming from a different place than my asshole ex although it is still a bit concerning to me. They are working on it but it takes work on BOTH sides of the relationship. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. When you were describing how he shut down/became nonverbal during a conversation that was overwhelming to him that was my first thought. Looks like you're using new Reddit on an old browser. He was supposed to be back for my birthday but he might miss it SO I planned my own BIRTHDAY WEEKEND. How do you fully love and respect a guy who isn't ambitious about work, school, or anything important in life? A boyfriend who is selfish won't put in the effort to show you he cares by doing anything you're interested in. So I think what I would do is "put him on notice." I feel like I hit the jackpot with him in every other way so I certainly don't want to leave him over this one issue. (The only thing I got out of him is that he didn't want to live too far from his parents, although we already live pretty far away from them so I was trying to clarify what his thoughts were and that's when he shut down.) You're not perfect. . He seemed relieved that I didn't want a big ceremony and apparently that was the cause of his anxiety for not bringing it up in the first place. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. What you should not do is think, "Well, I can't really accept that this is who he is, but I'll marry him, and I'll eventually get him to change." He never calls her, so she ends up doing the calling. There's *maybe* some passive aggressiveness on his part due to unresolved resentment (you sound great, don't get me wrong, just you never know, sensitive people can really hold grudges). My birthday is on Monday-im getting together with a girlfriend on Friday night, shopping the next day, a sporting event on Sunday and took Monday off and hope I get a hike in. Thanks for your reply. You are not asking too much. After 10 years she's still complaining that he never plans anything, or initiates anything, or does anything without her prompting him. Its not even like I want to have a wedding tomorrow or get a ring this evening- I just want to know its something thats a realistic expectation from this relationship in the next couple of years, and not just be strung along and be wasting my time. The worst for me was about a year and a half ago, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. There's what he saw modeled in his family. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. He will not change. In the meantime I think I will do my best to support him and if things still look bleak and its still important for me to get married- I will have to make the hard decision to move on. I also feel unwanted in this relationship sometimes. On a normal day though he will talk to me about other non-life related stuff just fine, so I think our current issue stems more from something related to decision making than not talking in general. Well, at the very least I DO absolutely know that he wants to move out of our current town. I feel like I am wasting my time. The odds are that he doesn't want to get married or at the very least, isn't excited about marrying you. With his busy work schedule, we really only spend 2 nights together– either a “real” date or casual apartment hangout. He said he was waiting to save up money for the ring. If anything, you’re giving this guy way too much slack. This is supposed to be a safe space. Just want him to take a more active role in making these things happen rather than leaving the ball in my court all the time. If he refuses to commit, you don’t know if you’ll next see him this evening or a month from now, which is frankly exhausting. But I can't do it for you. But perhaps not. Thanks for your reply. I've been married for 25 years this summer and despite being quite sentimental I don't see the point of it. So, I've been dating on and off for nearly two years. I love him a lot and hopefully once he feels more settled he will feel like popping the question. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Or is this lack of initiation wearing you down? I feel like if I had never brought up either of these things (marriage or moving out), he wouldn't have either and we'd just be stuck together in this depressing town for the rest of our lives. Be free and don't drag yourself in the mud any longer. (Both of us hate where we live now and are eager to get away as soon as possible.) That's a big problem. Are you two 100 percent open an honest with each other? How is giving her an idea or timeframe an impossible question to answer. I feel like I may just delay my plans for no reason since he wont even tell me when he thinks its right and potentially miss out on a partner who is excited to start their life with me. We're not saying your bae sucks if they can't afford to take you on fancy dates all the time. The kicker too is that he lives within walking distance of me. I mean like, he literally went mute and when I asked him what was wrong he refused to speak. If he’s the right guy for you, your “soulmate,” then you should be able to talk about anything and everything. I also never really know when next time I’m going to see him, after our date is over. You're not good enough. After 10 years she's still complaining that he never plans anything, or initiates anything, or does anything without her prompting him. Starting now, I am moving forward with my life. The thing is, I know as far as flaws go, passivity is a pretty minor one and I'm definitely underselling his positive traits here. According to my timeline I am already a year late but I am not too hung up on that anymore- still in the back of my head. I think this is the only thing we're not fully aligned with. You love your boyfriend, but he has no goals or motivation for his future. It's been quite the experience, to say the least. And I didn't get the impression that he was faking his desire to get married as he has repeatedly indicated to me in the past that he wants to spend our lives together. It's not likely that he will become less passive if you ask him to. I’ve explained to him so many times over the years, that I want to celebrate these things and I want him to celebrate with me because it makes me feel good. "Personally, I've never been into Valentine's Day and my guy isn't either. He will not make plans - not even a date night - without you pushing or complaining at him to do so. Not only will you be guiding the relationship and your lives, you'll also be acting as the sole decision maker for your children (assuming you have any). Do you both want the same kind of wedding? We have not had any major issues or fights in the entire time we've been together. I am extremely cognizant of not wanting to smother him or make him feel any sort of pressure but like you said, I am allowed to want to get married and think about it-and seek advice, even if its from strangers on reddit. Press J to jump to the feed. I think he almost finds it tedious to think or talk about. I guess I'm just struggling to untangle how much of this is just his natural tendency to be agreeable and conflict-averse and how much of this is concerns he has that he won't tell me about. Break it off. I was worried about having to move countries in case he got a job not in the country we met (and live in, and have pets in)- I said I wouldnt do it till we were married but also didnt want to get married just for logistics. No, I definitely don't think that's the case although I appreciate the suggestion. He has a job that doesn't always allow for planning... but he never plans anything even when he would get the chance to. Before you celebrate anything else -- his birthday, Christmas, etc. You can't make someone change. We do want to live in the same place. I'm tired of being the one who has to plan … Ask him if he will be okay talking to you about coming up with an idea to put money aside to eventually have a wedding, or future goal. In all likelihood, your boyfriend would be happier with a girl who doesn’t want to make long term plans and doesn’t exhort him to “adapt,” and you’d be happier with a guy who books you two a weekend at a bed and breakfast two months in advance. Also...when it comes to marriage, if it is not a "hell yes!" Last year we just spent the day lazy in bed and went out for dinner. Why would it be important to him? Incidentally, did you read my piece here on what to look for in a husband? Whether it is a text […] I know you're upset, but I wouldn't even tell him you were disappointed. We're both early 20s. Moving to some foreign country is an abstract dream for a lot of people, with no tangible reality to it. So, I started an uncomfortable conversation about what alternatives we may want to consider if our goal place doesn't work out and he COMPLETELY shut down. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the relationships community. At any rate, you have some medical issues so it's even more important you guys hammer this out now. Not only are you doing 100% of the 'planning', I don't believe he even wants to do the things you plan on. He's a great partner and we support and push each other. Everyone has a plan for their life and a tentative idea as to when they would hit certain milestones, like I mentioned I am not asking for a specific date or a time that I would chalk out but just to know whether I am wasting my time or not. Actions speak louder than words. I just feel like it's weird that I have to be the one to initiate everything since if he's so excited to do it, why wouldn't he want to talk about it together without being prompted to by me? Trying to get thoughts from people who may have had a similar experience and if they had wished they had done something differently. I am so sorry you went through this. Hi, My boyfriend of nearly a year rarely initiates plans anymore. Overall, the majority of men I spent my time dating were lovely. More non-ADHD women than I can count have resentfully remarked to me something like "My partner never plans a date. My boyfriend never cuddles with me and we really have sex we live togather we were on and off four awhile got back togather off last year off july i am wondering if it was a mistake. Think carefully about this. Based on what OP described, I agree. Looking back now, after dealing with something like this before, either you just accept it, or break up with him. After 12 or so hours of this I eventually approached him and we had a completely normal, painless discussion about what his concerns were, but I'm frustrated that it took a whole day of the silent treatment for that conversation to even happen and that i had to be the "bad guy" to even initiate it. We have both expressed our desire to be with each other forever so I guess I don't see how marriage would fundamentally change our relationship aside from streamlining some legal stuff (also, I have the opposite problem as you, I'm the one with the difficult last name and he has an easy one so I am looking forward to not having to spell it out military-style over the phone all the time, haha). Tara on January 06, 2018: I'm hoping I can get some advice. The night my boyfriend had sex with my best friend, was the night the cocktails just kept coming. Or is this a deal-breaker? If your boyfriend is having a mental breakdown, over time he may begin to show signs of self-harm both mentally and physically. As a three, we made a good group. Life compromise is completely different for men, than for women. Keep him informed, but frame it as your planning for your life. What value do you see in marriage? He has never been mad at me, even when I lash out at him. So if all your dates and hangouts start from a text and happen that night… if you never plan to do anything a week or a month in advance, it probably means that he’s not that serious about you. And now he doesn't have a lot of incentive. Never is. If so, then you need to make your peace with it. You just have to decide if that's for you or not. You are still young, but as someone 20 years older than you, I've seen this kind of dynamic just grind people (male and female) down to dust. He says I cannot give him an ultimatum when I said this is what I expect my timeline to be like- I said fair but I need to know if this was heading in that direction. Cookies help us deliver our Services. If not, break up. There was no conclusion. He doesn't often (rarely) think of places to go. Same with making plans- if I'm not the one dreaming them up and planning all the logistics, etc they simply never happen (obviously covid has kind of thrown a wrench in being able to do stuff, but it was like that before also). She’s not pressuring him into anything, she wants a future with someone she’s been dating for five years. Some men sometimes simply don’t know what to talk about! His mother makes no effort to meet me and he does not live with her. He talked about marriage before when we were in the infatuation stage. 24. Rather, he's going to need therapy to uncover why he's so passive and decide to change that. Is he committed in every other aspect of the relationship? It frustrates me sometimes because I feel like I'm the only one who cares in the relationship. You should propose. A few months ago, I brought up the idea of getting married (I would like to be married, but would rather have a small personal ceremony just between the two of us rather than a big party) and he agreed it sounded like a good idea. Want him to contribute more equally to these things but not sure how to get through to him. He never seduces her, so she ends up seducing. This is my best friend and her boyfriend. I don’t think you’ll get a better answer than this, This is my best friend and her boyfriend. He fiance isn't active in their relationship without some guidance. ... And that'll create a really negative, toxic environment within the relationship, which never leads to anything good. I am not forcing him, we've probably had this conversation in some form or another about 3 times in 5 years. Accepting it doesn't mean you cant try to compromise together, but it seems like change is scarey for him, and hes complacent being the same for a while. You’re not wrong for wanting to get married, he’s not wrong for how he feels. On mobile, apologize for any formatting weirdness. If it’s a deal breaker for you, end it. My feelings were hurt when I didn't even get a Christmas card. *What does it mean if a guy doesn't buy gifts? Tell him exactly how it makes you feel that you aren't married yet. He won't try. He is funny, cute and seems completely interested in you. Hes alwahs besn quite independent but i feel like its getting worse. Again, you can't make someone change. OP, you deserve someone who is as excited about the future as you are. You thought that you were dating the guy. More posts from the relationships community. He always leaves date ideas to the last minute. A few examples of what I mean. He isn't ambitious or interested in a future, career, goals or even more than a part-time job. I think you need therapy to overcome it. Yes he seems to be now. However, now that I've already brought it up I'm a little confused why he won't bring up the topic on his own since the goal is to make it a fun, low key thing for the two of us. Start figuring out the next steps in your life. It cannot become our planning for our life until he steps up. Shutterstock. I wouldn’t want to be forced to propose to someone cause she had a time line for her life that I was expected to follow. The shutdown thing was really weird, he's literally never done anything like that before. He also will never talk about a wedding or a future together ever, he is not romantic and I have to coax him to say nice things or make romantic plans. Dear Alisa, My partner doesn’t celebrate birthdays or anniversaries, he doesn’t feel it’s necessary. You do not have an "excellent relationship." Things seemed to be going super well, you were happy and excited, and your friends were praising your relationship (while secretly being super jealous). We’ve been together for over a year and he never … That’s a horrible reason to get married. Thanks for your reply. He is an extremely supportive partner and we share the same values, hobbies, sense of humor, etc and generally just love being in each other's company. We have been dating for 5 years and are currently in a long distance relationship-I was expecting a ring 2 years ago when we were on a holiday in Paris and it never came. He didn't follow my second. Let's say you and your boyfriend have actually made some future plans. I wish you the best. But I'm not going to do the work for you.". That could be part of what is going on here. Is he who you want? Am I wasting my time? He definitely does not have an engagement planned, its not something he will spent time planning. I feel like if I had never brought up either of these things (marriage or moving out), he wouldn't have either and we'd just be stuck together in this depressing town for the rest of our lives. Luckily, he does things for me and tries to be romantic which is out of character for him but knows things that are important to me and makes an effort. At 7pm, the start of his weekly game night, he said "well, it's time for game night" - and went. When a plan’s in place, you can rest easy knowing you’ll see your guy on a certain day. Therapy for you both to work on your communication and goals together....BUT he has to want to change. Thanks for your input. A guy who never wants to make plans in the future with you and only hangs out on a daily basis is a guy who’s not that serious about the relationship. He has met several of my family members but In 5 years, I have yet to meet one member of his family. He never plans anything, so she ends up doing the planning. And the truth was, we had a wonderful night. There's a risk that you won't be able to keep up the pace of carrying the nuts and bolts of the relationship and then what? I understand his love language is different but I cant shake the feeling off that its never gonna happen. Men don't think in women all the time, they don't think about the relationship all the time, they see a relationship to a woman part of their lives, not the only thing. If he has absolutely no idea on when/if he wants to move forward in their relationship after that time then he never will. How can he tell you when he thinks he will be ready? We are both 100% set on not having children so that's one less thing to worry about, thankfully. I have been very vocal about wanting to get married and settling down and had a very precise plan chalked out for my life which I am anyway late for. I obviously love this man immensely and willing to stick it out-given this is something thats an option in the future. Speculating further, he may have felt ambushed with an unpleasant discussion where you obviously were prepared and he felt forced to talk about it right now. Don't be me. In all that time, we have never watched a tv show or tv period together - we have only had 3 dates in 5 years. Everything else I think we mostly agree on. He is truly a wonderful person and I am very lucky to have him. Start with steps. I see marriage more as a practical next step for our relationship and I want him to have the legal power to act on my behalf if I'm sick, incapacitated, etc. You’ll never know where you stand. Is it that he happened to be the guy you were with at the time you wanted to be married? He's my rock and he says I am his. Are you okay continuing in this relationship, including into marriage (which is your objective), knowing that this is how he is? You didn't follow my first rule. This kind of stuff is extremely complicated and would require more detail than I'm sure you want to get into. But thank you so much for taking the time out to reply- >. Without getting too specific, we do have one "goal" place in mind, although it may not be possible to live there due to the fact that we're foreigners and getting citizenship there isn't guaranteed. If you can’t, well, that’s a sign of a much deeper problem. He would be hesitant to make plans when I would move to his location, avoided talking about marriage, postpone it due to school, etc. It is up to you. Big surprise, no one is! I floated some ideas of the location and some potential honeymoon destinations and he agreed with my ideas. Any advise/thoughts are welcome x. TL;DR- Boyfriend of 5 years will not propose and will not commit to a time in the future. My boyfriend was out of town on Valentines and I didnt get anything. Maybe his parents were "Nevermind, I'll just do it." We very, very rarely have conflicts so I guess navigating this one just feels a bit foreign to me. I want my boyfriend to post more pictures of me on his Instagram. He just doesn’t want to marry you. 24 years is pretty young for a guy to get into a relationship that appears as though it will be lifelong, so he didn't really have much time on his own to develop adult life skills. These tips are inspired by a reader who asked for relationship advice about her boyfriend. Is there a chance he could be on the autism spectrum? The only problem is that he never initiates anything. The site may not work properly if you don't, If you do not update your browser, we suggest you visit, Press J to jump to the feed. He happily accepts any plans i make to see each other, but im starting fo feel insecure that he barely ever does it off his own back. I went over to his house on the weekend, hoping for some support. When you initiated the discussion about moving, you were far ahead of him, and had had time to consider options and consequences. Calling me 'exhausting' is a bit unkind without you knowing anything about me other than a small instance of my romantic life. OP...you are slowly burning out from "decision fatigue" and you'll eventually resent your partner entirely if he refuses to be more active in your relationship. It’s not really clear why you want to marry him, except for this timeline that you have. Perhaps having him make a small commitment like that will help with more smaller steps that slowly unfolds to the picture you want. To some extent this applies to sex as well, he is rarely the one to initiate it (to be fair I do have some medical issues that can make sex difficult, especially lately, but I am always happy to do oral etc). Then something weird happened: your boyfriend totally backtracked. It was important for my wife so I went along with it but it really wasn't important or even interesting for me and I would have been happy to skip the whole ordeal. I was recently dumped. My post was to get advice on whether I SHOULD be caring about it and if anyone had similar experiences. You're the one who wants to get married and you're the one with a decision to make if you don't hear a 'yes'. 19. When you go on a date, everything is perfect. He may have known that moving should be considered but had avoided thinking about it because planning does not come naturally. I told him it didnt matter to me if he proposed with a ring-pop or a ring off a can of coke. I dont know what kind of wedding he wants since he has never discussed it. On and on and on it could go. And I've said to her once, at my wit's end after hearing her complain about it for the millionth time, "This is who he is. How can he tell you when he thinks he will be ready? So he learned to let other people do things for him. Your problem wouldn't be a big deal for me, but I can't tell you if it's a big deal for you. Why is it important to you? He said of course I want to marry you and the ring is coming soon and it was great! Or well, I'll live and learn. If your boyfriend will do what you enjoy, watch shows you like, and go to your favorite restaurant than your boyfriend may not be selfish after all.
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